Ladies: Keys to Thunder Thighs, Cracked Skin and a Flat Ass

in General Topics, Health Optimization, Nutrition, Training, Uncategorized

Female With Unlimited Potential (FWUP): “Josh, I just want to get toned, I don’t want to build muscle.”

ME: “What is toned, to you, then?”

FWUP: “You know, I want to see that line on my triceps, a line down the side of my leg where my hamstrings are, and a lifted butt…”

ME: “Well, you need a butt before we can”lift” it.”

FWUP: “How the hell do I do that?! I’ve tried everything. Even 45 minutes of the step machine after my workouts.”

ME: “First, put the soy latte down. Second, don’t be afraid to do the complete opposite of what you’ve been told over the past 30 years. Third, embrace the idea of building a little aesthetically pleasing muscle. This isn’t “bulk”, it’s lean tissue. To create lines, we need to create curves and contours – contrasting ratios.”

FWUP:“I just don’t want to look like a man…”

ME: ” Even if I pumped you full of drugs, had you training 3 hours a day, and eating like a 215lb man, it would still be difficult. You have neither the hormonal profile or appetite to support it. Instead, let’s focus on building some svelte, visially pleasing muscle in all the right places, while getting strong as hell in the process.”

FWUP:“Right places? What do you mean?”

ME: “Although controversial, you can actually do harm to your physique if you don’t train with a bit of thought and intelligence. When training for a “look”, proportions, ratios and genetic factors need to be taken into account.”

FWUP: “Okay. That actually sound pretty good. But I have all this fat right here (*grabs stomach*), and here (*slaps thigh*). This will not leave me.

ME: “You know what? How ’bout I tell you what to do to achieve your ultimate state of fattitude, outlining some basics. Iv’e seen your friends. Some need a pretty swift wake-up call. They are all the same.

It’s not their fault, really. Just show them this, because it seems to me that they actually want to regress into a puddle of soy-laden, plastic-laced cellulite.”

FWUP: “Thanks. I think?”

ME: “Tomorrow, we’ll delve into the “meat and potatoes” of training and developing a behind so good, you’ll have to have every single pair of jeans you buy tailored. The waist-to-booty ratio shall be pushed to it’s limit.”

**Warning: the following paragraphs are teeming with alarming levels of sarcasm. To the uninitiated, this may be too much to handle. Refer to my previous post, How To Fail 21st Century Manhood for a thorough primer on how this works.**

The Key To Shaping Thunder Thighs

Exposure to environmental estrogens. Please, don’t roll your eyes. This shit is effective. If you’re wanting to exhaust your options available to reach maximal fattitude, lethargy and mood swings, embrace this aspect of the process.

1)Cooking in Plastic

Here is the penultimate and sure-fire way to render your food nearly void of it’s nutritional purpose. Reheating or, even better, cooking your food in plastic containers could be just what you need to finally add some textured flab to those fab thighs. Essentially, you’ve just spent a few minutes “huffing” plastic and ingesting the fumes.

The worst thing you could do is invest in glass containers to take the place of all plastic. Heaven forbid, you might actually see progress in shifting the “stubborn” dominance of lower body fat you have been working ferociously to maintain.

2)Dousing Yourselves in Varieties of Chemicals: (What’s in YOUR Bottle?)

What’s in your bottle, sweetheart? Do you really know what’s in your daily face scrub? Make sure it is of diabolical quality, resembling the likes of chemical weaponry.

A simple trick you can use to flood your body with xenoestrogens, odd chemicals, and muddy smells, is to “stack” your personal hygiene products like you would stack your supplements.

Face cream, tanner, perfume, body wash, back-up cream, moisturizer, elaborate makeup concoctions, deodorant, body glitter, hair product, your OTHER hair product, and whatever else you carry around in that duffel bag.

You’re beautiful. And a woman needs to take care of herself. However, there is no better way to tax your system on a 24 hour basis with chemicals and parabens than to douse yourself with the above.

Luckily, most of you are here to do just that. So, whatever you do, never go to this website:


In it, you can determine your product’s “rating” of how much it’s effecting your natural flow. That is – your junk could look delicious now, but under the hood, things start to get ugly. Parabens, sulphates, phthalates and dyes combine to form the “perfect storm” over your thighs, cheeks and cells.

So, disregard aforementioned resources and continue on the path of estrogen dominance. To those who seek the first step in degrading their optimal hormonal balance, start here.

3)Eating Soy, Because It’s “Healthy”

Are you kidding me?

Tofu, soy lattes, low fat soy this, “healthy” soy that. Almost any animal protein can be substituted by this estrogen promoting plant source.

Load up on the pythates (macro-mineral and trace mineral absorption inhibiters) and increase your toxic load by ingesting this anti-nutritive protein.

Also, be sure to implement  soy protein powder post-workout for the trypsin inhibiting effects. Trypsin is an essential enzyme in the gut used for digesting in-tact proteins. The magic that allows amino acids to be absorbed and utilized toward building muscle, organs, hormones, connective tissue and other essential processes.

Inhibit trypsin?  Waste whatever protein you’re eating. It won’t be used nearly as effectively, and has effects on any other protein source you may be eating along with soy.

In the interest of  putting the poorest quality fuel into your body, soy is a perfect place to start.

4)Ignore All Supplementation That May Help You

Supplements – good supplements – work. The thousands of clients and trainees across the globe who’ve benefitted from some supplemental intervention to compliment their diet are a prime example of what you need to avoid if aspiring to settle among the upper echelon of abysmal health.

Thunderous thighs permeate the streets. Everywhere you look, a poor jiggly mass or deformed twig can be seen. Each of them likely have some key commonalities and could benefit from the following supplements.

Take note, however. You need to avoid each and every one of these options. What woman in her right mind would willingly improve her chances for less bloating, leaner legs, reduced cellulite and clearer skin? Not you, thats for sure.

-Probiotics: For gut health and positive “good bacteria” balance

-Supplemental Fiber: To reduce the amount of B-glucouronidase, an enzyme that breaks apart bounds of estrogen on it’s way to be extracted from the body. If the estrogen breaks out in the large intestine, re-entering circulation is inevitable and it remains in the body. No bueno.

-The Basic Bases: B-Vitamins, Zinc, Magnesium, and Omega 3 fish oils. All essential nutrients to support the detoxification of excess estrogen.

-DIM: A nutrient found in cruciferous vegetables that helps in promoting the C-2 pathway of estrogen metabolism. This is termed as “good” estrogen, because it produces relatively weak estrogenic activity within the body. The C-16 pathway however, promotes robust and aggressive estrogenic turmoil. Supplementing with DIM and the above recommendations can help shift the emphasis of estrogen metabolism down the C-2 pathway and reduce it’s overall effects on your sexy self.

Want Cracked Nails, Sunken Eyes, Thinning Hair and Flaky Skin? Observe:

1)Say NO To All Fats

Evil, evil, fattening fats. All of the omega 3′s, and essential fatty acids needed for optimal hormonal function need to be avoided at all costs – if the above symptoms are what you’re after.

Avoid the following:

 -Wild caught Alaskan Salmon


-Fish Oil



-Olive Oil

-Coconut Oil

-Chicken Skin


-Grass-fed Beef

-Any fattier cut of meat

-Full fat, 35% cream in your coffee. Even Half & Half is “too fat”. Be sure to use Non-Fat milk or a Soy beverage (see above section)

-Organic raw dairy

-Nut butters

-full fat, most unprocessed dairy you can find

-Whole eggs

Substitute the above for as much of the following as you can:

-Trans Fats abundant in “imitation” foods

-Margarine, to avoid the perils of saturated fat

-Low to non-fat dairy products

-Egg whites only, NEVER eat the yolk. Far too many vitamins, proteins and essential nutrients for your own good.

-Low fat ice cream. Dost thou crave creamy goodness between thy lips? Dash it from thy mind, fool. Fat substitutes and yonder added sugar are the key to the labrinth.

-Vegetable oils. Especially when you cook with them.

2)Take It To The Next Level

In fact, if you endeavour to cut out all essential fats as well as carbs, and employ a strict “white fish and greens diet”, you will successfully take things to another level of degradation and crumbling health.

Quite efficiently, by restricting all fat intake you will negate your fat cell’s ability to release fat for fuelling the rigours of life and training. Instead, muscle cells will quickly be turned to rely upon, and you will finally achieve the “skubby”** look that is so aggressively sought-after. Simultaneous fat retention and muscle loss.

If you’d like to slow this process, before making it irrefutably worse, rely on an abundance of fat-burners to “fix” what’s wrong with your diet. This will re-ignite the pathways that allow your fat-cells to release fatty acids, while all but decimating your metabolism in the process.

Adding the customary 2+ hours of cardio per day to your regimen simply accelerates your mission to skinny-fat stardom. Efficiency is the name of the game here. Meaning your body will strive to become more efficient, and burn less calories and expend less energy to perform the same task.

If you’re a competitor who has followed the “tried and true” methods, you’re already familiar with this and have reaped the benefits of abysmal hormonal balance, post-contest rebound and metabolisms that leave you eating less while storing more food as fat.

This repeats in a cycle, and eventually your basal metabolic rate will swing so low that you’re eating a bowl of soup per day to sustain your new, unrecognizable body. Bravo.

**Skubby: essentially, Skinny + Chubby = Skubby. Thanks for that one, Steve Cook.**

A Flat Ass: The Famous “Deflated Balloon” Look

The streets are filling with a new statement of 21st century dominance. The subways, coffee shops, offices and gyms are teeming with well-meaning fitness bunnies across the world.

While these bunnies are wrapped in the latest tights, bright colored shoes and bouncing hair, this population seems to have variety in appearance – a healthy variation.

Yet, there is ONE characteristic common among them all: a set of gluteus resembling that of a 4th grade school boy – or, more accurately, – a brick wall spattered with fist-fulls of cottage cheese. The universal “Deflated Balloon”. A key identification piece for the 21st century cardio bunny elite.

If you aspire to achieve the same level of “ass-lessness”, simply heed my following points on how to fit-in with the masses. Do even half of these religiously, and you’ll be on the road to success, with nothing to hold you back.

1)Avoid animal protein at all costs

I said it for fats, and I said it for carbs. Protein is the same deal, so you might as well avoid that here, too. Why not give soy a shot? I hear it’s popular these days.

 2)Copious Cardio

As mentioned above, any time you are able to train needs to be devoted to soul-draining cardio sessions. Step, jog, ride, row and elypt your junk into the ground. Soon, those cheeks will begin to deflate. Very soon.

3)Heavy weights are to be avoided, under any circumstance

If you cannot lift the weight, fresh, at least 30 times, you’ve gone too far. Heed the advice of Hollywood tabloid trainers and stick within the 3-8lb range for all your needs, if you’re even venturing to the weight room in the first place.

Wouldn’t want to get “too big” now, would you?

 4)As soon as you start squatting with proper depth and form, your mission is failed.

I’m sorry. Proficiency and volume in squatting under load will lead you to develop horribly round, full and lifted glutes – the definition of your enemy.

Some would even refer to them as “juicy”. The horror.

In fact, if you dedicate some time to squat on a regular basis, and mistakenly get proper training, you may end up with what some of my poor friends and work colleagues have developed. Terms like “shelves”, “box gaps”, “butt smiles” and “badonkadonk” are thrown around daily.


Coming Up Next:

Iv’e taken two of these poor women, and used them as an example for you to learn from. The level of gluteal development is quite unfortunate, as they can no longer find jeans that fit without scouring the land for days.

In Part 2, launching tomorrow, you’ll get an inside look at what they do to “elevate” themselves, as well as a comprehensive lower-body routine designed to give you a kick, from yours truly.

My hope is that most of you are rejecting every single point laid above, and sitting comfortably reassured. If not, it’s never too late to start anew.

Let this lead into tomorrow’s post, where I’ll blast you with some practical tools to help “elevate” your own status of health, shape, outlook and muscular development.


Also, shoot your name and email below for free updates, contests and other content coming soon.

So, I want to know. What’s the most prominent mistake you see your colleagues (or yourself) falling in to? Where are you struggling the most, or having great success? Shoot it below, and let’s talk.

As per usual, like, share and Tweet via the social media buttons if you “dig” what I’m saying,…Don’t be shy ;)


{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Shannon January 29, 2013 at 3:22 pm

Hi Josh,
I’m enjoying your writing! I wish you were back in the valley so I could send people your way! Some of the common mistakes I’ve seen have been injuries from classes like Zumba (plant and twist-ow) and poorly balanced weight training. Most complaints come from poor posture and ergonomics that round people forward. Then they do abdominal work (cuz that protects the back) push ups bicep curls way more than the posterior chain stuff.
Anyways there’s my beef. Gotta run after my munchkins. Keep writing!

Josh January 29, 2013 at 4:28 pm

Thanks, Shannon. Glad you got something out of it.

Keep the Valley strong for me ;)


afromuscle February 5, 2013 at 4:00 pm

Lol! I totally enjoyed reading this and I’m sending it to my girlfriend ASAP. Hope it changes her mind.

She’s religiously opposed to weights and is always buying all sorts of facial creams and powders despite her being lucky enough to have naturally smooth, clear and even toned skin. She’s somehow convinced herself that it’s all thanks to these lovely chemicals she pastes onto her face.

Well, here goes nothing…!

Josh February 5, 2013 at 5:06 pm

Glad you enjoyed it as much as I did while writing.

Religiously opposed to weights?! Sir. That’s heavy.

I know legions of fine women that could change her mind ;)

Kambry March 4, 2013 at 10:32 pm

I shared this with the personal trainers at the gym i work at and they loved it. its nice to see someone put all the wrong doings us women think are right in such a blunt way. Thanks for some more tips to add to my diet and training program. and your sarcasm is greatly appreciated.

Josh March 5, 2013 at 12:07 am

Thanks for sharing, Kambry.

A lot of the time (especially being Canadian), I feel people are too “nice” and tentative around some subjects. Avoiding the blunt facts in order to soften the blow. Thought I’d try it out and see what the reaction was like. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

I embrace all connoisseurs of the great language of Sarcasm. ;)


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